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‘Some days my grief and anxiety are so bad I throw up’

'Some days my grief and anxiety are so bad I throw up'

THIS summer time, Vicky Pattison was devastated by the lack of two of her fellow Geordies – the sudden dying greatest pal Paul Burns and suicide of Love Island star Sophie Gradon.

Right here she writes in remarkably candid style of her heartbreak and provides her recommendation to anybody feeling low or nervous a few liked one.

 Vicky says she's unable to feel joy without being overwhelmed by grief after losing her best friend


Vicky says she’s unable to really feel pleasure with out being overwhelmed by grief after dropping her greatest pal

After the summer time I’ve had, I need assistance. I cry sporadically for no purpose. Getting away from bed is troublesome some days.

I miss my greatest pal and typically my social anxiety is so bad I throw up earlier than I depart the home.

I need to be completely happy once more, to plan the marriage of my goals to the person I love, however each time I really feel a way of pleasure, grief floods in and I really feel responsible.

I drink typically to cover the emotional ache and this scares me probably the most. I am not who I was.

 Vicky's best friend Paul Burns was found dead after the pair had enjoyed a night out celebrating another close friend's birthday


Vicky’s greatest pal Paul Burns was discovered lifeless after the pair had loved an evening out celebrating one other shut pal’s birthday

I really feel a bit higher saying it out loud, maybe a bit foolish, however undoubtedly lighter.

This is the reason I needed to talk out for The Solar’s You are Not Alone marketing campaign, which is looking on readers to open up about their psychological well being and know the place to seek out assist for themselves or family members.

Placing on a courageous face could also be a really British factor to do nevertheless it isn’t huge or intelligent.

Grief and anxiety are two heartbreaking and damaging elements to our psychological well being and wellbeing.

 Fellow Geordie reality star Sophie Gradon comforted Vicky after Paul's death before taking her own life just weeks later

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Fellow Geordie actuality star Sophie Gradon comforted Vicky after Paul’s demise earlier than taking her personal life simply weeks later

And like me, all of us want to talk out about it – to select up the telephone to a liked one or any person we really feel snug speaking to.

Please do that earlier than it is too late – take it from this damaged little woman who’s making an attempt to place herself again collectively after the tragic losses I’ve skilled this yr.

‘My summer time of grief’

Paul Burns was considered one of my oldest pals – we have been buddies for round 15 years.

I keep in mind once we first met, he was working as a number in TGI Friday’s and I was drawn to him immediately.

I desperately needed him to love me. He was heat, humorous and so witty.

 Paul's death ripped Vicky's world apart, sending her into a spiral of grief


Paul’s dying ripped Vicky’s world aside, sending her right into a spiral of grief

After chatting with me for half an hour, he stated: “There are two things you need to know about me. I don’t like fake people or fake Vivienne Westwood. So those earrings are going to have to f*cking go.”

That night time, I ditched my earrings, picked up a brand new greatest pal and by no means appeared again.

I by no means imagined a life with out Paul.

Just like the Angel of the North, St James’ Park or a Greggs on each road nook, he was a Newcastle fixture.

 Vicky says Paul was Mr Newcastle and loved by all


Vicky says Paul was Mr Newcastle and liked by all

I have been during the last night time he was alive a thousand occasions in my head.

Paul died on 2 June 2018, he was 37. He’d been discovered lifeless at 5am on the road. His coronary heart had simply stopped beating.

We’d been out for a good friend’s birthday – ought to I have insisted he come residence with me quite than go to a membership with a few of his different mates?

 Paul and Vicky had been out celebrating a friend's birthday on the night he died


Paul and Vicky had been out celebrating a good friend’s birthday on the night time he died

And, in thet second I came upon what had occurred, my world was ripped aside.

He left behind his lovely mom Jackie, a stunning younger sister Victoria, his loving brother Robert and all of his heat and fantastic household.

And it’s with out bias I say the entire metropolis was affected by this loss.


EVERY 90 minutes within the UK a life is misplaced – to suicide.

It does not discriminate, touching the lives of individuals in each nook of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and docs, actuality stars and footballers.

It is the most important killer of individuals beneath the age of 35, extra lethal than most cancers and automotive crashes. And males are 3 times extra more likely to take their very own life than ladies.

But, it is not often spoken of, a taboo that threatens to proceed its lethal rampage until all of us cease and take discover, now.

That’s the reason The Solar has launched the You are Not Alone marketing campaign. To remind anybody dealing with a troublesome time, grappling with psychological sickness or feeling like there’s nowhere left to show, that there’s hope.

All through the marketing campaign, we’ll inform you the tales of courageous survivors, family members left behind, heroic Good Samaritans – and share ideas from psychological well being specialists.

The goal is that by sharing sensible recommendation, elevating consciousness and breaking down the obstacles individuals face when speaking about their psychological well being, we will all do our bit to assist save lives.

Let’s all vow to ask for assist once we want it, and pay attention out for others. You are Not Alone.

For an inventory of help providers obtainable, please see the The place To Get Assist field under.

‘Darkness set in – I wasn’t bouncing again this time’

Paul was the kind of bloke who made everybody really feel essential, an unbelievable good friend and an actual Geordie gentleman.

Once we heard the information, everybody in our friendship group piled to my home.

We have been all in several levels of grief.

 Vicky says she's been through a cycle of grief since Paul's death


Vicky says she’s been by means of a cycle of grief since Paul’s dying

I’d sob uncontrollably permitting the ache to eat me, then I’d cease abruptly and snicker, considering how happy he’d be to know he was so missed.

Then I’d get indignant. He shouldn’t have been on his personal. Then my aforementioned guilt would hit, earlier than the cycle would begin once more.

Steadily after about three days, individuals began to pack up and go. That they had lives, in any case.

And this was when the darkness actually set in.


When you, or anybody you understand, wants assist coping with psychological well being, the next organisations present help:


‘I’ve all the time bounced again however this time was totally different – I unraveled’

My fiance, John, is a tremendous man and I’m fortunate to have him, however he isn’t emotional.

He was devastated that Paul had died, however he didn’t know the way to consolation me. He’s robust and stoic – an actual Geordie bloke.

 Vicky says her fiance John is amazing but she can find it hard to talk to him about her grief


Vicky says her fiance John is superb however she will discover it exhausting to speak to him about her grief

I’m often robust and resilient – I’ve been by way of quite a bit and all the time bounced again.

This time was totally different. He wasn’t ready for me to unravel on this means.

 Vicky never thought she'd be attending Paul's funeral so soon - it was held at Saltwell Crematorium in June

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Vicky by no means thought she’d be attending Paul’s funeral so quickly – it was held at Saltwell Crematorium in June

I solely needed to be round individuals who understood, who knew Paul like I did.

His funeral offered a small consolation, a way of closure.

After that I needed to begin to get again to regular life, however no matter I had deliberate was brief lived.

Simply three weeks later, our metropolis was dealt one other blow with the information of Geordie princess, Sophie Gradon, taking her personal life.

‘Sophie lit up the room together with her smile’

Her dying was totally different.

Paul’s passing was tragic however part of me has accepted I couldn’t have stopped it.

However maybe Sophie’s life might have been saved.

I gained’t dare disrespect Sophie, her household and pals by claiming we have been shut as we weren’t.

However I’d recognized Sophie for years from the social gathering circuit in Newcastle – she was well-liked and lovely with the power to mild up her room together with her smile.

She’d despatched me a stunning message when Paul had handed.

I didn’t ever assume it will be the final time we’d speak.

Social media was awash with posts devoted to Sophie once we heard the information she had died by suicide, however I simply couldn’t convey myself to write down something. I couldn’t admit I’d misplaced somebody so younger once more.

Sophie was struggled to return to phrases with a life within the highlight – merciless trolls, on-line bullying, everybody judging her.

Might we have now helped? Might she nonetheless be right here now?

I don’t know the solutions. However I know this: I by no means need somebody to really feel the identical means Sophie did once more.

Kerry Katona says cocaine habit, bad marriage and cash woes made her need to take her personal life

‘I drank an excessive amount of and misplaced my mood’

In my grief, I drank an excessive amount of, misplaced my mood over nothing and my relationship with John suffered. Briefly, I was a multitude.

We now have a duty to the youthful era.

 Vicky is urging everyone to look our for their friends and to always be kind - especially online

Vicky is urging everybody to look our for his or her pals and to all the time be type – particularly on-line

Social media could be a tremendous place however it’s all too typically a platform the place individuals can anonymously spit their bitter vitriol at individuals they don’t even know.

I don’t need extra individuals to be taken from us so younger.

I urge everybody to assume earlier than they sort, pause earlier than they converse, search for indicators in your mates they could want your assist and all the time, all the time be variety.

We have to speak extra to one another – let our associates know that they’ve a protected area to debate something they could be bottling up inside, and look out for indicators these near you may be suicidal.

As I write this, I know I am on a street to restoration.

It’s lengthy and little question they’ll be a lot extra tears (I’ve gone by means of an entire field of Kleenex scripting this alone).

However I know with the assistance of my pals, household and family members I’ll get there.

Don’t be ashamed to ask for assist – all of us want help.

Please don’t endure alone.

Mario Falcone reveals that vile on-line abuse took him to the brink of suicide


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